Love

I say i love you, everytime i say goodbye,
i keep you on my mind constantly,
i want to love you,
need to feel the passion.

my world warped between pleasure and pain,
between lies and uncertainity,
i pull you closer, sinking you deeper,
if ever you should know, forgive me.

trying to teach you to love me, my way,
passion, exctasy, a merging of souls,
the sex was meant to be spectacular,
truth is, i never loved you.

Tired but still going

since discovering my shallow prejudice i have been thinking about my life and trying to better myself. there is so much wrong with me... it was disheartening at first (this was the first time i had ever critically analysed my person) but i soon discovered that there is also a whole lot of good people in me.

been working my ass to the bone!!! still a long ways off from getting enough money for tuition but i'm not complaining. i feel independent and i am thankful for the opportunities God has blessed me with. i know that a couple of months ago, i could do nothing but pray and wait as i wondered where money for tuition would come from but now at least i have a job and if i keep working hard at it i'll be able to pay off my tuition.

sometimes i get tired of constatnly living on the edge of poverty but then i think of all the other things that i have been so richly blessed with... Life is Good and i'm thankful to be alive.

i met my friend John from NY, its been fun being with him,. he leaves tomorrow and i have been trying to think of sth exciting for us to do on his last night but St. Cloud has few thrills to offer. i'm thinking of going out to the lake later on.... i will decide.

i need to call connie and Kait. i love them but its so hard to keep in touch with all the crazy hours i work...hmmm... i will call them and everyone else i have neglected.

Peace.

too good?

since hearing Destiny Child sing "Cater to you" i have been on never ending search for a boyfriend. i want a man to treat right... give him the whole nine yards and so much more.... i want to be everything he has ever hoped for and cater to his every need.

i know that sound pretty medieval but i really want to be the ideal "African woman" giving him all that i can. so with all this in mind i began my search...

i have never thought of myself as prejudiced but i am rethinking that now...i am in love with two men... one is all i need, got his life right and adores me...the other is everything i don't need in my life right now but the sex appeal is insane!!

the only thing holding me back from being with the good man is that he is "below" my game level; i do not think that he is a lesser human being than i am, i just think that i'm too good for him. i feel terrible for feeling the way i do but i can't help it! i keep worrying whether i will be able to be with him and take him as he is or i will always feel the need to change him...

i know the right thing to do would be to follow my heart and do the right thing but i don't know what my heart is telling me... i don't want to make a decision; i'm scared.

i hate myself for feling the way i do but again i don't want to get into a relationship just to appease my conscience but then again i don't want to get hurt...

Failing at Love...

I have always hoped to find that perfect someone... the one who would complete me... make me feel like a woman...someone to spend forever with.

Never did i once doubt that i would find him... but sitting here today, i feel like keeping the faith is simply setting myself up for disappointment.

Where in the world are all the good men? I'm tired of all those brothers talking like they got game but they ain't shit... married men chasing after lil' young things... old men thinking that viagra and money makes them all that... I'm tired of that!

I want someone sincere, who keeps it real and is trying to make the world a better place;i want someone on a higher level with his priorities right. Am i asking for too much? Whatever the case, i'm unwilling to lower my standards.

I'm gonna find him and when i do, I'm gonna put all my love inside...

Failing at love...

gained a few pounds and i'm Hott, you best believe!

its been a while. i have been busy pursuing the empty pleasures that tempt my frail soul every so often; to say the least i'm exhausted and unsatisfied with my time consuming ventures. i plan to change my ways.

i have gained about 10 pounds which have lavishly settled on my lovely booty as if it wasn't big enough already. i have men pull over and hi on me as i walk down the street shh..shaking that ass, you best believe i'm flaunting it!

of course you'll see me huffing and puffing as i sweat my way home but i do it fabulously! i'm planning to go to the gym and start working out but i like my body just as it is and i wouldn't have it any other other way! yet finding clothes that fit my waist and my fantastic hips is a trip! and the pressures to conform and be stick thin are crazy but i'll fight to the end and redefine beauty...

otherwise i'm doing just fine.

Saying Goodbye...

Today was the last SGA meeting and it was really nice. the legal services program proposal was passed,YEAH!!!! i had worked on it really hard and now we get a free lawyer on campus next fall. I'm FANTASTIIIC!! Yeah!

I had serious problems with the professor i was to work with, Kathy. she totallly disrespected me and disregarded my committee's exuistence and mine too. it was a terrible experience and i'm glad its over with and my program is in place.

saying goodbye was really hard and its going tio be hard next week too when my friends graduate. i love all the friendships God has blessed my life with and although saying goodbye is still hard the memories and friends are worth it.

I'm thinking abiout going dancing tonight but my bed is looking so appealing; i could easily go and watch malcom in the middle, turn the lights down low and listen to some good ol' kenyan beats.

I miss my family and friends. i still be loving you despite the distance!
Love you!

Summer?

Its raining, snowing, sunny and windy. Minnesota! So I carry a winter jacket, sunglasses and a scarf and take off or add on accordingly.

talk of resilience; the weather is beating down on my intellect. I look outside and all my senses tell me that its warm but when I'm outside; well...brrrr the COLD! It gets right to my bones. Summer, where you at?

I'm busy and bored. I feel like sleeping all the time. I want to be alone often and at times it feels like I'm not really here; like the world around me isn't real.

I'm tired.